So, the first rehearsal period for my new (and actually first ever long) piece is over and for the first time in the history of my 22 years have I created something that I love and feel proud of. It basically took since birth to build that confidence.
The piece is exploring monogamous love. Monogamy. Yes you have heard it before. Love might seem simple as a subject, but during my (again!) 22 years long history of walking on this planet I have spent ours thinking about it. How and when did romantic love ideas become settled in the way they are today? The model of monogamy seems rarely questioned although the society somehow becomes more individually free. In the same time the demands on a potential partner grows bigger because of the demands on the individual (from example social media). That to me seems like a society with more strict monogamous relationships than ever before? Might that be true, I am not sure. But I definitely wanted to question the romantic ideas and the models of romantic love. And explore what monogamy actually is.
For the sake of development, I also wanted to show the piece to an audience as a work-in-process before moving to London (where I live now). We set up the studio as a "performance space" and invited people. I was nervous, actually near-cry-wanting-to-hide-in-the-toilet-and-never-come-out-nervous, and scared of what people would think. The perfectionist inside of me screamed desperately in a pillow (or something). AAAAAAAH.
But the people came and left and it all went fantastic. Some cries and great comments/critic were handed to me afterwards and I was in heaven. And in chock. Because even though I knew I had it in me to create the visions I have always seen in my head, I also have the other voice telling me I am not good enough. During the performance I glanced anxiously every 2 minutes at the audience to see if they seemed entertained. And honestly, they looked captivated.